I've known God all my life. I was raised in a Catholic family and knew from my earliest memories that God created the world. He created me and that he loved me. I didn’t quite get the message about forgiveness though. I heard it, but my primary sense of him was this: You better not mess up or I’ll get you. He was up there with a gavel and robe waiting for me to fail.

In high school, I attended Youth for Christ and got to know kids who read the Bible and talked about Jesus, and it was awesome! When I was 16, I went to a Billy Graham crusade in Chicago and that’s where I said, “Jesus, I repent and give my life to you.”

But then when I went to college, I drifted. It happened slowly. First I decided I didn’t need to go to church. I knew the message of the Bible. Besides, I was more interested in drinking, finding women, and maybe getting an education while I’m there. Pretty soon, I thought I didn’t need to read the Bible anymore, then I didn’t really need to pray. My primary focus was how to get people to like me So I was out there trying to be a good guy, being kind and generous when I could.

Before my senior year of college, the girl I was dating got pregnant and we decided to get married. That was the kind of situation where you did the right thing. Eventually, I went to work for the police force in Chesterton, and we had two kids. Both of us believed in God, but we didn’t have any relationship with him. We cared about each other. We raised children. It wasn’t a horrible marriage, but it wasn’t rooted in Christ and it wasn’t even based on love. 

I was out there trying to win the battle of salvation by tipping the scales. I had a career where I helped people – as a police officer and then as a lawyer working for the Department of Child Services. I was kind and respectful to people and tried to raise my kids with good values. All I was trying to do was never enough.

Looking back, I can see that without a connection to God or a community of people who believed in him, of course my faith withered and died. 

I had an affair with a woman who would become my second wife. This is embarrassing to talk about but here’s the honest truth: I loved her, but this relationship was not based on anything other than pride and self-desire. She was younger, prettier, smarter, and she seemed to like me better. We didn’t have that rock to build a relationship on either (Matthew 7:24-27). 

We did okay, made it 25 years and raised two more kids together. Honestly, at the time, I felt like I had a pretty good life except nothing I was doing would fill the hole in my soul – not people liking me, not my job, not an attractive wife and nice family, not a nice house, not a good career with enough money to pay bills.

When my second marriage deteriorated a few years ago, and we divorced, I went into a really bad tailspin. I was full of anger, bitterness, and jealousy. And I was terrified. This was not how my life as supposed to be at 62 years old. My kids were grown and had their own lives, the love of my life was gone, and I lost my home and my pension. What was my future going to look like now? 

Depression led to insomnia and there were spans when I couldn’t sleep more than two hours at time. I would wake up and be unable to go back to sleep. I did some things I regret like going on a dating site to try to find someone to fill the gap for me. That was a complete disaster.

By the spring of 2017, I was living in my sister’s basement. I’d been crying for what felt like days and hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 2 weeks. That’s what my life was like. I couldn’t take it anymore. I woke up at 3 in the morning – wide awake. That was the moment when I said, “God, I made a complete mess in my life. I can’t go on like this, and I don’t know what I need to do. Where do I go from here? What I know is that I have betrayed your love for me by ignoring you for the last 45 years. I’m sure you’ve washed your hands of me and have no desire to have pity on me in this situation, but if you do, tell me what to do.” I was on my knees in the middle of the night for the first time since I was child.

The next morning at 8:15a, I walked in the doors of Calvary Church. I don’t really know why I came or how it happened. The last thing I remember that night was asking God to show me what to do. I’m sure I looked up churches on the internet, but I don’t remember doing it. What I remember next is walking in the doors. I had no connection to the church and had never been there before. 

Shame was hanging over me and I’m thinking, “What nerve you have to walk into God’s own house after how you’ve treated him all this time. You don’t deserve to walk in this building. And yet I walked in and was made to feel like everybody loved me and wanted me to be there. People I didn’t even know! 

I wasn’t sure where to go, where to sit – what if I sat in someone’s seat? – and then I stood there with my head bowed crying through the singing. Almost the first words of the sermon were “Maybe you’re here today because you have a broken relationship or you’ve got some financial difficulties.  Check and check. I’m thinking, “Did he know I was coming? What is going on here?” But the whole message was one of Stop trying to do it on your own. Rest in God.

It’s like there was this light seeping in. Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe there is hope for me. The sermon was about grace, every song the band sang was about grace. I wanted to know more about this grace stuff! I may have been saved at 16 years old, but my life really changed at 62. God filled me with the Holy Spirit. He guided me where I needed to go. He led me where I could understand the truth about the way he sees me. 

God hates divorce, I know that, but this horribly painful process turned out to be the best thing for my joy and his glory. It’s what it took to get me on my knees and looking at him. I would have gone the rest of my life without him, and that’s unimaginable now.

God knew I need to be in a community where I would hear about grace. He knew I needed follow up, and I got it. I drive out to Crown Point every Saturday morning to meet with a group of guys. I’d never had a relationship with another person where the primary connection point is God. I didn’t know ordinary men got together to talk about Jesus and how you can be closer to him and know his love for you is real.

God’s grace is astounding to me. I thought because I had turned my back on him so many times and for so long, that he was done with me. Nothing could be further from the truth. He was there all along. When I hit my knees, he was there. All I had to do was reach out, and he was right there with the relentless, reckless love we sing about. He was faithful and his pursuit of me despite everything is an amazing grace.